Obsess much?

If it is not one thing it is another.

For a few weeks I obsess about the PC and spend most of my time downloading rare remixes.

Once I burn out on that, it is collecting video game R0Ms for all the emulators out there.

After that, it centeres on my Pocket PC and what apps I need and what add-on gadgets I'd love to have.

Then it is all about wanting to finish learning to Juggle and buying a book. That usually only lasts a day or two.

The next week or so it is centered on Half.com and all the childhood books I remember having but don't own anymore.

Then I move on to scouring the used game stores for DreamCast games that I'd like to add to my collection (yes, I know I am two game system "generations" behind). That went for about three weeks. Checking flEa-Bay for Samba De Amigo Maracas and DDR pads.

Now it is all about DVDs. Which am I missing? Which do I want? Don't I need a NUON DVD player to get the cool lightshow display during music playback?

But of course, I am flat broke so I can't buy any of the things I am obsessing about. That tends to make it a quite frustrating thing to be doing with one's time.

I wish I could just stop.

Spend that time reading. I like reading, I just never can settle into it because my mind wants to be doing a few other things at the same time.

Obsessing must go hand-in-hand with my (A)ADD. It must.

The ADD is under control, mostly, by will power and lots of notes. I didn't get any help from medication. It just made me irritable, but didn't help me slow down or concentrate. I wish it had. That would be the easy way out. Mentally doing the work is harder. Can't say I've mastered it either.

Reading is really hard. I hate to be still. I hate to be doing only one thing at a time.

Even reading my hand is usually moving through my hair, scratching my scalp, or fidgeting in one way or another. Drives m'Lady nutso that I can't be still.

I mean I can, but it is literally by sitting on my hands. It takes so much concentration to be still that I can't enjoy the TV show or whatever is going on at all.

Other times I get bored very easily. I can usually sit through a movie, but a department meeting at work? Forget it. I can sit still, but I am certainly not paying attention. My mind is out running about doing about 20 different things other than focusing on the topic at hand.

Which is odd. I can't focus in a meeting, but I can totally focus and obsess about this or that.

I call it more of a "hyper-focus" that obsessing.

It isn't OCD, because I am ok if I don't get the thing I am thinking about. It is just that it totally consumes my free thinking time. Now, there are times where I can get the thing I am focusing on, and once I do, I am fine and move on to the next thing. However, if I can't afford the thing, the "hyper-focus" needs to run its course and let me burn out on it. You just have to let me be, and let it happen.

Of course, it is all happening inside me.

I don't tell anyone about the hyper-focusing cycle because it would seem so stupid to them. I don't need to be told that, so I just deal with it myself. I know it is stupid to be consumed by the thought that I need a book on Juggling. Of course it is. What a thing to waste your mental energy on. So I just keep my mouth shut and wait for it to pass. It always does.

But something else always comes in to replace it. And so on and so on.

It is a pretty miserable way to live, honestly. But I am used to it mostly.

Maybe it adds to my personality or creativity. Or something. There HAS to be a benefit of some sort! Right?

So what will it be this week? Who knows.

I dread the next round of "hyper-focusing," I seriously do. But that's how it is, and will be.

Hmm. I wonder what DVDs are being released tomorrow?