The nightmares are getting more frequent, and harder to escape from.
I am not sure if I need more sleep. Maybe I need less. Less sleep means I sleep harder, and don't remember the dreams.
I've not found a thread between the nights I have them that helps me pinpoint the cause (be it thoughts, movies, stress, food, what not).
Sunday night's was one of the worst. It must be bordering on Lucid dreaming. Because I know I am in the dream. I just can't get out.
Not the most violent or bloody, though I've had those for sure. But by far it was the worst, most terrifying, dream I've ever had. The most alone and helpless I've ever felt.
This one was just me in bed, in the dark, looking down the hall. A small child was walking up the hall to my room. The door was open. I thought I knew the child, but as she/he got closer the skin was pale blue and the hair was white as snow. A deathly cold look was in it's eyes.
I was terrified. I wanted out of the room, I wanted out now! It's a dream, I am sure of it! But I can't wake him up! WAKE UP! I can't do it. I need out of here. My heart was racing, I could feel my limp body not responding. Wait, I'm not alone in this bed outside the dream. I remember that she's next to me asleep. Maybe she could hear me? Maybe she would hear me call her name and wake me up. Save me. I call her name. I scream it! Over and over. But my body, what's wrong with my body? I hear myself talking. But I'm not talking. I'm whispering. Inside I am yelling her name, help me! Outside my body won't comply. It only whispers. She can't help me. I feel my mouth moving, I hear my voice whispering. And "it" is getting closer. It isn't who I think it is. Who is that? Or if it is that child, dear Lord, what has happened?? Get me out of here! I've got to shake this body awake. If I can jostle it, left and right. Jerk it suddenly, then maybe he'd wake up. Move! Left! Right! Back! Forth! Come on! Wake up!!! No! It's almost to me, almost touching me. Awake! Wake Up! My eyes pop open. I sit right up in bed. Looking around. She's still asleep beside me. Never heard a word I said. If I even said anything. Bedroom door is closed. No one came in. My heart! Beating so fast. Am I sweating? I am! I begin to pray. I pray for protection from attacks, I pray for forgiveness, I pray for peace of mind so I may sleep. I roll over next to her and put my arm arcoss her, touch her side. Somehow, touching someone makes it a little better. Somehow. I fall back to sleep, but it is far from a peaceful sleep. It is a cautious one. To Sleep, Perchance to Dream? I think not.
Dreams have never been my friend. Almost always they are bizarre. Almost always they are frightening. Usually I get lucky and don't remember them. Others get to dream of lovers past, of flying, of a giant snake wearing a vest. Not me.
That last dream was about the worst I can recall in a long time. I don't like dreams. Makes me wonder if that's why I stay up so late. So when I go to bed I am so tired, so worn out, that I just crash and sleep so hard I can't remember what happens.
But what of those dreams I can't remember? Are they like the one I just had? Are they worse because I am not even aware I am in one? If my body is that tired, and I'm in that dream, I am truly trapped. I can't get out because my body is too tired to be woken up. But I don't remember those do I? I am too tired. Do they even happen? Could they be happening, and my body pays the toll in stress and strain as I sleep? How will I know?
I think this week I shall try an experiment. In bed by 11PM, if not sooner. No exceptions. No TV shows or DVDs, no computer or anything associated with it. Can I do this? I've tried and it never lasts long.
I will try. Maybe keep a pad and pen to write down what happens. Or a micro-cassette recorder. Something. Anything.
This has to end. Some things have to change, others have to go away forever. If only I knew what. Or maybe I do.
You know what really, really worries me about that last dream?
Do you really want to know? Really?
I worry that it is what death feels like. Trapped inside your own body, fighting to get out. Everyone around you has no idea what's happening to you. Slowly you sink away, and are lost forever inside.
Makes me wonder...
file this under Mind
Posted by
on April 6, 2004
@ April 6, 2004 12:40 PM
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