When I get older, losing my hair

So this Saturday is the big day.

This Saturday I turn 36.

36!!!!

Honestly, it floors me. Now, don't get me wrong. I have accomplished plenty in the past 35 years, and I have very few regrets. Sure, there are certainly things I would do differently knowing what I know now. But I am pleased with life. And there are plenty of things left for me to do to, such as my painting, my sculpting, and I have more than enough books to read.

But I think what gets me is the number. Thirty-six. 36. Nearly 40.

You see, the problem is, I don't "see" myself as that old. In my "mind's eye" I am still 22. I still think I "look" 22 and I feel as alive as I did back then (but without all the partying and one-night-stands).

When I get home I may post a pic of me when I started this blog and a pic of me now - wonder if there is much change. Probably a few more grey hairs and a smaller hairline.

There are times I will walk around the mall and wonder: "what do I look like to other people?" When I am in a shop like Babbage's looking at games, do the teenagers in there wonder what an old fart is doing in their store? When I buy a soda from McDonald's does the gal behind the counter see the young man I see in the mirror, or am I just some middle-aged guy that doesn't even register on her radar? When you browse my Amazon wish list does it look more like a bunch of immature stuff than the things a responsible adult should want.

I still love video games.

I still like to stay up late.

I still hate responsibility.

I still want to fight the power.

Yet...

I've given up the fight for my right to party.

I no longer want my MTV.

I actually *like* to watch the news.

Too much is now enough.

I can't ride the rides at the fair without getting nauseous.

All these things are for the best. When you think about it, God's plan is working out pretty well. We can't help but mature. Just think, what kind of world would it be if we all acted like teenagers?

So, there are things that we leave behind.

There are things that are added unto us.

And there are things yet to be.

For those reasons, I do not live in the past. Nor do I live for the future. I live in the now most of the time, for better or worse (usually worse).

I don't think too far ahead and yesterday seems so far away.

But there are moments....

I wonder what if....

What if my Father had beaten his Colon cancer, and could be with me now. How could that have changed the decisions I've made.

What if I had been a Christian before I was a teenager.

What if I had not been so eager to have sex.

What if I not broken our engagement.

What if I had been strong enough to tell my parents what happened to me.

And those few regrets I mentioned? Most of them are thoughts of how awful I treated some of the women I dated. Things like that haunt me at times.

I have been forgiven, yet I can seldom forgive myself.

So, I've had nearly 36 years on this planet and, I feel I have plenty to show for it.

Just thinking to myself, 36 years and I am not even half-way done with my life. I've got a lot of years still ahead of me.

And then, some glad morning when this life is o'er, I'll fly away.

Toys 'R' Us has it all wrong.

I DO want to grow up.

Because life is like a fine wine - it gets better with age.

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Posted by on March 27, 2003 @ March 27, 2003 10:02 AM    
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