How my mind works

This is an image of my mind.

The ADD Mind of PromoGuy

And this is the reason for the fight the other night.

Y'see, for the first time since being diagnosed with severe A.D.D., I tried to explain to my SO how my mind worked.

It went something like this:
PG: So I took that clay project stuff back to Hobby Lobby (not related to "Clay Guy" or my sculpting)
SO: Don't you ever get tired of running around returning things?
PG: Oh sure, but it's part of how it goes.
SO: You have too many projects!
PG: No I don't, I have just as many as I need.
SO: But you never finish any of them!
PG: Sure I do, just not all at once. I like having lots of projects.
SO: But they are everywhere and you sure spend a lot of time thinking about what's next.
PG: Well that's how my mind works.
SO: [blank stare]
PG: See, I am thinking I am about out of money so I am gonna go to Wal-Mart and buy this stuff on clearance that I don't want, but know I can sell on e-Bay [A]. That would double my money which would help me pay for the recent domain name renewals and some other domains I want [B].
SO: But domian names don't "do" anything, they just sit there. You think that is a good investment?
PG: Well I may not be using them now, but I have a few ideas for a "review" web site [D] so I can demo my ColdFusion skills. Yeah that one has been pounding my mind to get my attention but I haven't got to it yet.
SO: You said that a year ago and you still haven't done anything with it.
PG: Aha. But I CAN when I am ready. I know it is there. It gives me peace to know I have these things going on.
SO: [looking worried]
PG: Anyway... there is this other pen-camera I have been wanting (not to mention a VisorModule) [F] so I will probably auction off some other things. But I also want to get back to the Sculpting [C] and I have some sketches I want to finish. Plus I need to edit some digital photos for the gallery and tweak some software on the PC [G] that I never even started. (and then there is [E] which is something important that I totally forgot about)
SO: This is scaring me.
PG: Why? I think like this all the time. All the time. I just have never shared it with you. But since you asked me to be more open and to talk with you about things I am thinking about, I am. I am telling you exactly what's going on in my mind.
SO: But why are you wanting all these things now, all of a sudden?
PG: I am constantly thinking about things like this, all the time. You just never knew about it.
SO: [very upset now] If you get back on that medication, what happens? How long would you be taking it? Til you are an old man?
PG: Who said I was going to take medication? You didn't want me on it at all, now you think it would help? You said you didn't see a change.
SO: No you said that.
PG: Well, did you see any?
SO: Not especially.
PG: Then why should I be on it now. This is how I think. After all this time, you think I've changed? It's always like this for me. And yeah, it makes me crazy sometimes, but I'm used to it.
SO: It just brings back bad memories, of how you used to be a long time ago.
PG: Look I know I was selfish and self-centered back then, and I will always be that to a degree, but it's not like that now. This isn't new.
SO: This isn't normal to think like that.
PG: I know you can think of one thing at a time and solve things, but I can't. Never could. I don't see how I could now. Having all these things give me a sense of peace. Comfort.
SO: [still upset and very distant] *I* am supposed to where you go for comfort.
PG: You do in a different way. But it just makes me feel good to have all these projects to pick and choose from.
PG: Maybe this is too much at once. I always have a lot in my mind, but that doesn't mean you need to hear about all of it. But I just didn't want to wind up with you finding out about something I was doing that I may have forgotten to tell you about. Because I often think about not telling you because I think I know what you will say or how you will react/
SO: [about to say something]
PG: But I know I can't do that, I don't know what you are thinking and I can't presume to tell you how you are feeling.
SO: So everything is ok?
PG: It was never not ok. This is just how it is inside my head. I thought you might want to know. Guess it was a bad idea. I will be more careful what I share.

...

I dunno. I would probably drive myself crazy too.

file this under A.D.D.ing It All Up
Posted by on July 18, 2002 @ July 18, 2002 02:46 PM    
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